my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
worst night to have a conscience
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
