In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
