it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
