I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
