Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
