we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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