I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
