Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The maid of honor just puked.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
