On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
