Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
