You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
