It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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