i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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