lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
