I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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