Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
