Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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