life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
