There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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