I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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