So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize