I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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