Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
