Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
