On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
