I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
