Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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