thus making me awesome and them whores
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
