the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
