She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize