And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
