How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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