I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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