the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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