I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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