I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
