he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your cock deserves a montage
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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