My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize