theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
