I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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