woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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