My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
