Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
