my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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