Im at strip club and am horny
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
