Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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