I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
