I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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