if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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