She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
