I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
