My sheets look like a crime scene.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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