I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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