Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
