apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
