well I can't set my house on fire every night
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
