Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
