what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
