Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
