Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Randomize
