I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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