So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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