mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
